Sometimes I want to slap your face off. Clean off. I’d maybe do it twice. I’d claw my hand the second time. No wait, wait – I’ll do it three times. POW Scratch Slice. Yeah, you heard right. Slice. I have a knife handy, want me to show you? Don’t cower, I’m only joking. But you know, you are really ugly. Like, spat-out-of-hell ugly.
I think I’d start with your eyes, make them all wide and pretty, it’ll just take a slice, here and – here, see? Relax; I’m using my fingers you goddam fool. Hahah, relaaaax. Wait, you don’t actually want to keep your eyes do you? Have you seen them? Jesus! We’ll make them nice and blue, too – or green, I know how – cool, huh? It won’t sting, I swear. Stop that. Why are you doing that? You know what? I’ll fix that for you too. Soon you won’t have tear ducts. Hmmm, can you imagine it? Shit, I’m good. You know, people pay a whorehouse load of money for the treatments I’m gonna give you – stop squirming – and I’m gonna give it to you for free. You should thank me now you know, by letting me do something with those god-awful smushed up lips of yours. Man, how can you even talk out of those, their so fat – like the rest of you, but we’ll get to that, don’t worry, you useless whore.
“Sally? Sally! Come down! Dinner’s ready!”
Ahhh, dinner’s ready, “Coming mum!”
Don’t move, you hear? If I come back and see that you’ve moved even an inch, I’ll take the sharpest and thickest goddam knife we have in this place and jam your foot into the floor, you hear me? Good, dumb bitch, here’s a slap – savour it.
“Sally, where have you been? And what in the hell are you doing up there, you’ve gone as pale as a sheet…Sally, I’m talking to you.”
“I said: yikes, you don’t have to grab my cheeks like that.”
“O-keey. God, I can’t stand to see you like this – Gary! Gary, will you look at the mess of flesh underneath those damn dyke clothes, it’s like she’s hiding ten goddam balls of dough under there!”
“Yes, honey.” Dad glances up from his newspaper at me. My cheeks burn.
“Now sit and eat…Sally, for goodness sake stop eating like a goddam pig – Gary, tell her to stop eating like a goddam pig.”
The table’s set just how my mum likes it: the floral tablecloth ironed smooth, the white napkins folded all pretty on top of the plastic plates. She had placed her favourite silver-plated spoon, long and cold, delicately next to the greasy tin bowl, which is stained from the meat stew. The stew’s gelatinous brown is gurgling, as it has been doing for four nights now. Mum slops a load onto her plate. Two of her acrylic nails are missing – I wonder if she ran out of glue –
“Did you hear, Sally? Mrs Jenkins called and said she was impressed by some shit you done at school. It was some art shit – oh my, Sally? Sally smile again. That crooked smile? – that’s the one. Oh my, oh God no, try smiling differently, yes, like pull that side down, oh I give up. Shut up and eat your food.”
Where are you, bitch! You’re a lucky piece of shit, you know that! I’m not gonna stab your ugly toes, it would make too much noise, mum’s in the next room. Your mum’s a little whore, isn’t she? Shall I tell you something? Come closer – that’s it…I heard Jo fucked her. He went around telling everyone how desperate she was. Practically begged for it. He said it was a mess, track marks on her arms. She goes off into her room every night, the room with pasty white walls and a damp yellow mattress, all alone, doesn’t she? – thinks she’s fooling everyone, but you know, hell, everyone knows what she gets up to in there. You hear her groans and moans, don’t you? And you like it. You’re sick like your mummy. Shut up. And I bet you try to hide her needles – she’s so messed up she can’t even hide them right. You find them and hide them, and she beats you for it, doesn’t she? She beats you – raw.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR! Look at yourself! Here, I’ll hold your head up for you, stop whining! Stop whining or I’ll break your neck.
Here’s…here’s what’s gonna happen…here’s…I have three blades. What did you say? I have three blades. Shhhh, whisper your screams, like how I’m whispering, k? Shush, shush, shush. I have three blades, as you can see, they all different in their length and width. I’m gonna use the small one on your face, the one in the middle on your scalp, ‘cause I fucking hate your hair, and the largest one on the putrid, rank shit you have crawling under your clothes.
Get comfy. What do they call you at school? Hmmm…won’t tell me, eh? I know what they call you – Horse-face. Hey, hey, stop, this isn’t gonna hurt that much. I know what I’m doing. GODDAMIT I’M TRYING TO HELP! YOU CAN ATLEAST be grateful! Stop looking so scared, we need to do this. What? I can cry if I want! It’s my fucking house, I can cry if I want! Sit still and look at the mirror.
Uh-hu, uh-hu,uh-hu. One slit, just here. Uh-hu. Ok. Ok, snap out of it, Sally. Keep cool. Ok, ok, take it slow. Uh – stop crying. Wow, wow, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, that side’s done. Ok, wasn’t so bad, was it? Ok, um…right…maybe I’ll move onto the other places on the face first. I want you to see what I’m doing after all – you’ll love it. Everyone will. Can you imagine that? Love? Pfffft. You’re gonna be the prettiest bitch in the whole wide world. Here, let’s dance around. Tweele-dee, Tweedle-dee, ha-ha. We’re not gonna speak of this again, are we? Noooo. ‘Cause I’ll kill you. It will be easy, I have a right to kill you, you know. Yeah, that’s right. You were there when I figured that one out, weren’t you – siting at the bench at school, eating your lunch – it stank half the juniors to the other side of the goddam school, pfft. Then, Bam! I figured it out and your bones shook, ‘cause you knew – you knew I could kill you if I wanted.
Right, here we go. One, two, three! Oh my, Oh my god. Ok, ok, here, and there, and here. Wow, this really isn’t hurting at all is it? Wow – wow, I’m pumped, are you?
Here – here. Shit. Shit. Ok, ok, get the towel. I know I brought it in here. Shit, didn’t I bring it! Fuck! Oh, man, quick, take-off-your-clothes…TAKE OFF YOUR GODDAM CLOTHES! Pass them, Geeze – help, will you? I can’t have blood leaking through the fucking door. Stop shaking, Sally, you fucking dumbass.
“Sally? Sally? What’s that squirming about your doing in there?”
“Leave me alone!”
“Shit, Sally, you have any idea who you’re talking to?”
You know, this is all your fault, your goddam fault you ugly piece of shit. I hate you.
“DON’T COME IN!”
“Let me in Sally! Let- me- in! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOOOODDD! What have you done?” She whispered the last part.
She’s fainted, man, all over my blood – shit: dad… Oh God. Oh God, what have I done? What have I done? He’s coming up the stairs, I’m gonna puke.
Why won’t you love me? Why won’t you love me! That’s all I wanted! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry uh-hu-uh-hu-uh-hu. Don’t wake up, mum, don’t see me like this. I’m not done yet. Please don’t wake up…I have only a little longer to go and then I’ll be new – just how you want me to be. I’ll be new and you’ll be happy. But I can’t have you, mum. I can’t have you. I can’t take you back. I’m so sorry.
I’m hacking into her body, my knife plunging into her belly. She told me once that she used to have such a flat stomach, that men used to smooth their hands over it. We were at the seaside, the sun scorching deep into my cardigan, I watched her pet her tummy, eyes distant – dreaming. I can’t stop digging into her – oh god, deeper deeper. I move all over, wiping her hot blood away from my face as I go. I don’t want to think about what’s happening – what is happening? I almost lose my grip on the kitchen knife, my hands clammy, the blood sticky. Gurgling brown, gurgling brown everywhere. I start poking at her heart, wonder if I should take the plunge – but I’m scared. I’m scared of what will come out – no, I’m scared – dear god I’m scared that nothing will. Nothing.