Whenever I feel happy again I fear it will end.
Left alone: the wolves, the wolves.
The world pivots on dreams, and dreams are scattered specs of desire that once held form.
When one day the world crumbles, I will save its name, keep it in a bundle and hold it up for fame.
If one day the world shall crumble, I will too obey, do everything I could, but still die with it, someway.
I wish I were a serpent, a smiley sneaky thing, moving towards dreaming, and spit all mine to it.
And then the world won’t crumble, because my dreams would stay, removed from me with passion, to hold up the home we made. Insert notes. Insert notes. Insert notes.
This is the point where life drops me off and calls it a day,
And the hurt crashes into me so hard that it tears my clothes off of my back,
My scabs off of my wounds.
I’m left standing in the cold,
Feeling nothing but the sharp wind spiking at my bareness.
I look back at the world and see myself; I look inwards and see nothing.
Shuffled around like a crap hand –
they liked using me on the rookies.
This isn’t a poem. It isn’t a story –
It’s just an observation,
that some behaviors can’t be explained,
some emotions can’t be categorized.
I was a violent shit, head lost in self hatred.
I guess that was God’s joke on us both.
I wish I could swing between moments,
Glide through life’s rages, whisper ‘don’t hurt me’ to my lovers.
I would try to catch Moment’s harrowed beauty as I swung by,
Letting it twine through my fingers, watch it escape them like stray hairs moving with the wind.
I would let my sisters tell their story,
A second later, recall their last line.
I would listen to my parents –
Skip past their white silk lies.
But the thing I’d really wish for,
If I really swung through time,
Is that moment before sadness,
When the sun promises it’s shine.
I knew it wouldn’t be long –
But why now?
Couldn’t you just give me this moment?
YOU’RE TEARING ME UP INSIDE
YOU’RE TEARING ME UP INSIDE
A Story, My Sweet
Life. Death. Can someone hand me a reason? You answer with another question. How boring. How draining. You know what that feels like don’t you, honey. That draining feeling? I know you remember. Your eyes look beautiful tonight by the way. That’s right, doll. Beautiful. Why don’t you step inside? Ignore those times when your sweetheart broke off one too many pieces. The time your son stained a few more shirts than what was considered normal. I was always normal. Always the one who could see through people, just a little too well for their liking, that’s all. But will you be my friend? Will you hold back your screams when I tell you, show you my secrets? They’re really not that bad. Come on, don’t be scared. Step into my world, love, and I will show you all of my wonders.
October 29, 1987
I never wanted any trouble! I swear it! Please! Please, NO!
She was obviously out of her mind. That’s right. I think to myself as I’m washing my hands. My mind is wondering again, dear friend, tracing my steps from last night to this moment. I slump down onto my grey coach and there’s a cat licking my finger, wanting some affection. Someone to love it. I lift the kitten to my face and force it to look at me – dead in the eye. “Don’t be scared, I won’t hurt you” I whisper to the struggling cat; its wide eyes are darting from side to side like pin-balls. Why does everybody think I’m going to hurt them? Do you know, friend of mine? Do I look like someone who could hurt an animal?
I stand up and study myself in the mirror, rearranging my wavy hair so that it curtains the right parts of my face. I accidentally look at myself dead in the eye. My lungs fill with air and fire. I snatch the mirror from the wall and slam it against the wooden floor. The cat scurries for its life towards the door. “IT’S LOCKED DUMB CAT! YOU USELESS, UGLY RODENT OF A CAT!” I steel one of the shards off the floor and aim as well as I can.
Scared you, didn’t I? You told me you wouldn’t get scared. You promised. I swear I’m normal. I swear I’m just like you. Please Don’t be scared. I’m about to take you on a journey. Yes, that’s right! A journey! You can laugh with me and play with me and we’ll be the happiest people alive. Yeah, that’s right, see. We’ll be the happiest people alive! We just need to get through this bit first, that’s all. Take my hand. That’s it, does it hurt? No, of course not, see. I won’t hurt you. So please, just let me take you through my world. I can change. You’ll see, because you love me, right?
Do you want to know why I love the night? Of course you do, honey. That’s why I chose you. Well, there’s no one out there to hide from me. There’s only me and this butcher knife. It’s my friend too. Just like you are, sugar. My friend that doesn’t run from things, but plunges into them instead. I know what that feels like and boy, does it feel good. Yeah, that’s right. It feels good. Do you want to have a go? It won’t hurt… Maybe if I did it for you? You’d like that right? To feel what I feel? You answer no? Then you’re not getting the point at all. I’m not going to hurt you! I swear! You’ll only make things worse if you refuse. Good. Now that I have your trust, love, I can show you the rest of my story.
Same Date, Midnight
You wouldn’t! Please! You’re him aren’t you? You’re – You’re Hiuh –
It did him good it did. Did him well. He didn’t know what he was saying or thinking. It did him splendid. I think to myself this time round. After I change my stained clothes, I sit on my blue armchair. The one that looks over my front garden from the second floor. You can take a look through the window. Go on, darling. You see that? If you peer through the knobbled branches you can make out my pond. You see it? Good. Now look further beyond that and you can see a little shed. She looks beautiful tonight she does, under the stars and all. So do you, my sweet. You look lovely under the moonlight. You look positively ravishing, my friend…Anyway, do you want to hear my secret about that very shed? Of course you do, just don’t look at me when I tell you though. Look over at the shed instead…that’s it. You have to look at the shed. Good. Well, every now and then I see something in that there shed… Something moves. And sometimes? Sometimes I can see a face in the window. You see that window next to the shed door? Yeah, that one. Well, I’ll never forget that face. It shows only for a second, but I’ve seen it enough times to know it’s a face. It’s the eyes I like best. They look hollow. Have you ever seen hollow eyes before, love? No? Then let me show you. It won’t hurt me, just come a little bit closer. That’s it. You look scared. Why do you look scared? Didn’t I tell you I wasn’t going to hurt you? Didn’t I tell you that? Huh, honey? Huh, sugar? HUH, MY SWEET?!
Oh no, no no no. We’ll clean that up, yeah, that’s right! We’ll clean you up and you can be happy again! You’ll stay with me right? I still have to finish my story. Please stay! I love you, you know that, right?
Are you ok now? Of course you are, sweetie. So, do you want to hear the rest of my story? It’s incredible, I can tell you. You’ll love it. I’m a hero, you know. Yeah, that’s right, you heard me, a hero. I save people’s lives. Yeah, I save their lives, and that’s why you love me, isn’t it? They love me too, darling. Can I tell you something? Well…I can hear their voices when I’m hiding them and things. They say thank you. Yeah, you heard me, love, they say thank you and that they love me. I’m a hero. No, no that’s not right…I’m a God.
31st October, 11:55pm
What? No, sir, we’re not looking for any trouble. We just wanted to have a little fun that’s all. Since its Halloween and all…What’s that! What’s that there thing? Oh God. Wha – RUN BOYS!
They were asking for it, literally. They’re a lot happier now. Yeah, they’re happy. But some got away! Some of them got away! What did they look like? This is so frustrating…! All ten-year-old boys look alike these days. I think to myself this time as I wipe my blade. I accidentally smudge the blood around my face and arms instead of wiping it. It’s just that there were so many of them this time… Sugar, could you wipe it off for me? That’s it, damp that cloth. No not that one! That’s stained you bi-… sugar bun. It’s the one next to it, darling. don’t. be. scared. Come closer and wipe the stains off… Yeah, that feels good. You’re hands, they’re so soft and warm. What did you say? Did you just say – never mind. You’re eyes, they’re lovely, honey. WHY DID YOU LOOK AT ME IN THE EYE! DIDN’T I TELL YOU NOT TO LOOK AT ME! DIDN’T I TELL YOU! COME BACK HERE, LOVE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You look positively beautiful when you run, my love.
Which one, which one! HAHA! Which one… The thin one or the butcher?! Just a quick test on me army arm…Yeah, that’s the one. Hey, where are you, my sweet? Come here, my lovely. I heard what you said. I’ll do it for you, don’t worry. It will all be over soon! Oh, there you are, love. Don’t be scared. You’ll like how it feels, darling. I promise.
Please…where are you…please…don’t make me cry…I can’t take this anymore…please…oh please.